We all have experienced hurt and pain in our lives. Sometimes we are exposed to experiences so painful that they leave marks that are difficult to heal-especially if we feel somone has wronged us or harmed us. You have to know what the problem is in order to solve it. When you allow yourself to see the real issue you can then make a choice to move forward from there. Without being judgmental about yourself or another, clarify your feelings on the situation.
Then, decide if this is something you will work on in your own heart or by contacting the other person involved. Only when you are ready, communicate with the other person about the issue.
Whether you work it out on your own or involved the other person, you may feel more relieved by releasing that built up tension and all involved can have a better understanding of the situation and able to resolve the issue. To get a better understanding of the other person, try putting yourself in their shoes. This will give you a better understanding of their point of view and behavior.
Maybe the person in question was in a lot of pain. The more you understand the other person and their behavior, the easier it is not to let go of a grudge. Those with certain personality types and traits may be more likely to engage in this response to angry or bitter feelings.
Interestingly, research also shows that certain lifestyle habits, including regular exercise, can also make you more amenable to forgiveness and flexibility. Additionally, people who tend to be more irritable and emotionally volatile are more likely to harbor angry feelings and blame others rather than consider their own responsibility in a situation as well.
Ultimately, some people may just be wired or work hard to rebound from hurts or deal with them directly, while others are more apt to become embittered. Some of this variance may be out of your control, but there are also strategies people can take to develop healthier anger management and coping mechanisms. So, how do you know when you're holding a grudge rather than when you are simply feeling appropriately angry about something?
In contrast, holding a grudge entails the opposite—not letting go or accepting a resolution of any kind. Another strategy is to notice if you feel better or worse after thinking or talking about what happened. If it's the latter then you may be processing your feelings in a productive way. However, if you feel more distressed, overwhelmed, or worked up after going over the events in your mind or discussing the issue, then you may be creating a grudge rather than coping in a healthy manner.
If you're not sure, consider if a friend described what happened but as if it happened to them as well as your response, would you still feel as embittered if it wasn't about you? Also, think about whether you would feel comfortable or embarrassed telling someone close to you about your internal thoughts regarding the grudge. Think about if you believe they would think your reaction was justified or an overreaction. Additionally, you can always ask a person you trust for their opinion on how you're handling the situation as well, as getting the perspective of someone else whose judgment you value can help you get a better sense of if you're holding a grudge or just in the process of justifiable anger.
In either case, talking out the situation and your feelings can assist you in making sense of what happened and how to move on. If you find that you're holding on to bitterness and grudges rather than letting them go, it may be helpful to talk to a counselor—or even to a friend or loved one, as noted above. Getting out of your head can help you clear the air and come up with a plan to seek a better resolution. Talking through your conflicts with a therapist can give you insights into why you hold grudges and help you develop the skills to respond more effectively to difficult or hurtful situations.
Additionally, before you jump to conclusions or condemn someone's behavior, it can help to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Consider that your worst suspicions may not be entirely accurate. In fact, often someone else's negative actions aren't about you at all. Maybe they were just having a really bad day. Maybe they misunderstood what you were hoping they would do, or bad luck piled up despite their good intentions.
Invest time in learning and practicing positive coping skills, such as truly forgiving those that have hurt you and practicing healthy stress management techniques , including:. Ultimately, while it's important to process grudge-worthy emotions, holding on to those feelings is typically unhealthy for all involved. Rushing to forgiveness or avoiding dealing with uncomfortable situations aren't good solutions either.
Instead, aim to sort through difficult events and feelings, while, if needed, giving yourself a little time to grieve, be mad, or wallow. Just don't let your methods of coping with the upsetting incident become a long-lasting state of being.
Rather, aim to work through the issue, resolve it, and move on. Ever wonder what your personality type means? Sign up to find out more in our Healthy Mind newsletter. Indian J Psychol Med.
Leibenluft E, Stoddard J. The developmental psychopathology of irritability. Dev Psychopathol. Just how bad negative affect is for your health depends on culture. Psychol Sci. Negative emotional events that people ruminate about feel closer in time. PLoS One. What Influences Mental Illness? Discrepancies Between Medical Education and Conception.
J Med Educ Curric Dev. Effects of anger regulation and social anxiety on perceived stress. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you or making up with the person who caused the harm. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life. Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind.
Forgiveness can lead to:. Being hurt by someone, particularly someone you love and trust, can cause anger, sadness and confusion. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment, vengeance and hostility can take root. If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice.
Some people are naturally more forgiving than others. But even if you're a grudge holder, almost anyone can learn to be more forgiving. Forgiveness is a commitment to a personalized process of change. To move from suffering to forgiveness, you might:.
As you let go of grudges, you'll no longer define your life by how you've been hurt. You might even find compassion and understanding. Forgiveness can be challenging, especially if the person who's hurt you doesn't admit wrong. If you find yourself stuck:. If the hurtful event involved someone whose relationship you otherwise value, forgiveness can lead to reconciliation.
This isn't always the case, however. Reconciliation might be impossible if the offender has died or is unwilling to communicate with you. In other cases, reconciliation might not be appropriate.
Have you changed your routines as a result of the offense? After you consider the grudge's effects on you, ask yourself who it is helping for you to be experiencing all of that. Does it tell the offender anything? Is the offender bothered by it? Are you expecting to "get back" at the person somehow? How effective is the grudge? Is it just hurting you? Acknowledge what took place and how you feel. Recognize your emotions and the reality of the situation. Telling the truth about your feelings to yourself will help you to acknowledge the hurt you feel.
Don't deny the event, and go over the facts of what occurred. Was the situation really a big deal? If not, try to let go of it. If so, you should talk about it with the offender. When you evaluate the situation, step back and consider if this grudge is worth your time to pursue or to continue dwelling on.
Sometimes you can let go of the grudge without discussing the situation with the offender. Ask yourself if holding the grudge is about you or them. Extend compassion to whatever caused the wound, and let it go. After you understand exactly what took place and how you feel, find commonalities as to why your offender may have acted the way they did.
Once you realize that you got in a fight with your friend because she just lost her job, it will be easier to let go of your hard feelings. Remember that forgiveness is a process. Sometimes it takes multiple conversations to come to an understanding.
Even small wounds may need to be looked over and forgiven again. Be patient with yourself and try to always think positively. Part 3. Seek reconciliation with the person, if you desire. Speak to the person who offended you. Ask them to talk about what happened, and share your feelings with your offender. Tell them exactly why their words or actions upset you.
When your offender apologizes, you can either accept it or explain that you are not over the situation yet. You can say something like, "Hey, Joe, remember last week when you told me the blue dress I wore was ugly?
That really hurt my feelings, and I've been upset about it since. Confront issues as they occur to prevent this from happening again. When someone does something that upsets you, talk about it right away.
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